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Attitude Quotes

 

1. If only you ran like your mouth. You’d be in great shape.
2. You’re such a treasure, why hasn’t someone buried you?
3. You know, you have one really annoying habit. Breathing.
4. If I was meant to be controlled, I’d have come with a remote.
5. I have plenty of terrible ideas. Just let me know if you need any.
6. I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
7. May your earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
8. Oh, darling, you should really go out and buy yourself a personality.
9. I try to see the best in everyone but you’re making it really difficult.
10. You think you know it all but clearly you don’t know when to shut up.
11. I’m really sorry if my sense of humour offended your total lack of one.
12. WIFE to HUSBAND: Sure, I make terrible choices. One of them was you.
13. I encouraged my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
14. I’m not one for revenge but I might arrange for you to have an accident.
15. Putting on your makeup every day must be hard, with you having two faces.
16. They call it a selfie because narcissist is too hard for most people to spell.
17. I can’t help but wonder why someone hasn’t hit you in the face with a shovel yet.
18. When you spun the wheel of attitude this morning, clearly it landed on bitch again.
19. I’d love to help you but I don’t even play an active role in my own life anymore.
20. Roses are red; violets are blue; I’ve got five fingers; the middle one’s for you.

Two men who were waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

 

Two men who were waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation

“How did you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That's awful,” says the first man

“How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It's very uncomfortable at first,” says the second man

“You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes

Eventually, it's a very calm way to go.

You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping

How about you, …how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man

“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.

I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there

I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either

I ran as fast as I could to the attic and, just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head

“That's so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the deep freezer, we'd both still be alive!”…

 www.funnyknight.com

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