- If only you ran like your mouth. You’d be in great shape.
- You’re such a treasure, why hasn’t someone buried you?
- You know, you have one really annoying habit. Breathing.
- If I was meant to be controlled, I’d have come with a remote.
- I have plenty of terrible ideas. Just let me know if you need any.
- I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
- May your earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
- Oh, darling, you should really go out and buy yourself a personality.
- I try to see the best in everyone but you’re making it really difficult.
- You think you know it all but clearly you don’t know when to shut up.
- I’m really sorry if my sense of humour offended your total lack of one.
- WIFE to HUSBAND: Sure, I make terrible choices. One of them was you.
- I encouraged my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
- I’m not one for revenge but I might arrange for you to have an accident.
- Putting on your makeup every day must be hard, with you having two faces.
- They call it a selfie because narcissist is too hard for most people to spell.
- I can’t help but wonder why someone hasn’t hit you in the face with a shovel yet.
- When you spun the wheel of attitude this morning, clearly it landed on bitch again.
- I’d love to help you but I don’t even play an active role in my own life anymore.
- Roses are red; violets are blue; I’ve got five fingers; the middle one’s for you.
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