Saturday, December 20, 2014

Xena The Warrior Puppy ASPCA Dog of the Year

Friday, December 5, 2014

Do you fart in bed ?

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..” 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Viagra Joke

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Monday, December 1, 2014

The Injured Golfer

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from Pretoria, that included Jacob Zuma.

Jacob quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Jacob Zuma and I hope you'll vote ANC in the next election."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head." 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags wer...

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days." The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environmentfor future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truly recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks.
This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling's. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was
right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the
green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of
buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a
computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Need to get fit in no time? No problem. Get a flat belly in just 3 weeks with Women's Health's healthy weight loss plan

We know. Between being ready for tomorrow's monster meeting and making sure Rufus gets his yearly shots on time, you've got enough deadlines in your life. Which is exactly why you've spent no time thinking about the public debut of your new Triscuit-sized bikini. Until now, that is, when heat, sunshine, and visions of a beach vacation make you want to dress light — and feel lighter. Okay, so you haven't been religious about your workouts the last few months; we understand. But we also realize that all it takes is one good cram session to change your body. Yes, you'll have to work hard to do it, but this rapid women's weight loss plan will flatten and tone you in just 3 weeks. In fact, by combining proper nutrition with an intense — yet thoroughly doable — 21-day exercise program, the average fit woman can lose as many as 15 pounds, says Ronald Deitrick, Ph.D., director of exercise science at the University of Scranton. To build a program that revs your metabolism and burns as many calories as possible in 3 weeks, we teamed with exercise physiologist Tom Holland, who took a 6-week program and kicked it up a few notches. Now, you just have to do the same.


Week One

Prepare Your Body to Work
To get your metabolism moving, you need to get your muscles working. "Muscle naturally burns calories, so the more of it you have, the more calories you'll burn at rest," Holland says. Aim for 4 days of resistance training this week, along with 30 to 45 minutes of cardio training on the off days. Use these tips to maximize your strength building in this short amount of time so that you can build your foundation fast.

Power Your Pump
Holland suggests adding weight and lowering your reps when lifting. "It's better for strength building because you're working power versus endurance," he says. You'll tax your muscles more, making this more efficient for muscle building in a tight time frame. Women, thankfully, have little testosterone, the hormone responsible for bulking up. But some women have more of it than others. If you tend to be stocky, stick to your regular amount of weight, says trainer Brenda Powell, general manager of the Institute of Human Performance in Boca Raton, Florida. But if you have an average build, you should lift weights heavy enough that you can only complete eight reps, and keep adding weight with each set until you can only do four or five reps. Try this every other strength session to keep your muscles challenged.

Push Your Muscles 
Organize your strength sessions so that you have 2 days of them back to back. "You'll work your muscles harder — almost shock them into shape," Holland says. "When you break them down more, they'll repair and build up more." For example, lift weights on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. You'll have enough rest time on Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday to recover, but if you're sore, do different exercises to challenge your muscles from different angles. You'll actually benefit from doing a range of exercises since your muscles will constantly be challenged to adapt, and you'll burn more calories while they're forced to work harder.

Stay Fueled
Powell says your insulin levels drop during intense exercise (anything where you're working at 75 percent of your maximum heart rate, such as a spinning class). When your insulin levels become irregular, your body produces cortisol, a stress hormone that breaks down muscle and has been linked to belly fat production. You need to replenish your glycogen stores as you work to regulate your insulin levels. "Anytime you do multiple sets, your glycogen levels drop 40 percent," Powell says. Sip a sports drink during intense exercise. Don't worry about the calories: An 8-ounce serving of Gatorade contains just 50 of them. And though water is fine for moderate exercise, for intense sessions you'll need the calories and electrolytes to keep your muscles and metabolism primed.

Make Use of the Magic Window
The 45-minute period after exercise is the best time for your body to metabolize nutrients, Powell says. Your metabolism is already elevated from your workout, and when you refuel correctly, you can keep the fire burning. Eat something that has carbs to restore glycogen and protein to help build muscle. Go for a grilled chicken sandwich or yogurt with almonds and fruit. It's ideal if you can eat within the first 20 minutes after exercise since you'll be able to regulate your blood sugar faster. "You can also eat one-third of your daily calories within the 3 hours postexercise, because your body is in high-burn mode, and will metabolize the calories faster," Powell says. 

Mix Your Meals
Always mix protein, carbs, and fat when you eat, says Ann Yelmokas McDermott, Ph.D., a nutrition scientist at Tufts University. You need the blend to fuel your body and stay satiated. Whenever you have one group alone, you're more likely to feel hungrier sooner and consume more food. And don't fear healthy fats. "They take longer to break down in the gut, so you'll feel fuller longer and will end up consuming less calories," McDermott says. Instead of spooning fat-free yogurt, for example, choose low-fat. Stir-fry veggies in olive oil, or spread peanut butter on a bagel. 

Week Two 

Max Your Metabolism
Now that you've gotten into a groove and built some muscle, you should increase your intensity to further boost your metabolism. To start, swap one of your strength workouts for an extra cardio day to give yourself more time to burn calories at a higher level, and add a session of intervals to make your cardio more intense. (For example, you could now make Tuesday a cardio day instead of strength.) 

Flood Yourself 
Drinking more water can maximize your metabolism. Researchers at the University of Utah found that dehydration (from sweating) can slow your resting metabolism (RMR) by 2 percent, which, if your RMR is 1,500 calories, amounts to 30 unburned calories per day. In another study they found that drinking 12 8-ounce glasses of water raises metabolism higher than drinking four or eight 8-ounce glasses. "Drinking more water also increases energy, along with the desire to exercise," says researcher Wayne Askew, Ph.D., professor of nutrition at the University of Utah. If you can drink two tall bottles of water a day, you'll help your metabolism peak.

Stop and Go
Instead of jogging for half an hour, do intervals. Sprint for a minute, and then rest for a minute. The change in intensity will increase your metabolism and allow you to work harder while giving you time to breathe. Holland suggests using dice to make your intervals interesting. If using one die, or even two, multiply the number you roll by 10, and sprint for that many seconds (then rest for double that amount). You can also use the dice for circuit intervals during your weight routine. If you roll an odd number, do crunches — and use the number you roll to get your reps. If you get an even number, do squats or pushups. It's a simple way to keep your workout varied and keep yourself moving. For extra fat burning, Powell says to add intervals after 45 minutes of strength training. She suggests doing three to five sets of 1-minute hard intervals, with 2-minute recovery periods. 

Rest Actively
When you rest between sets, stay active to keep your heart rate up. Work a different muscle group — if you're doing lunges, do pushups between sets. You could also add cardio by performing jumping jacks or jogging in place. A cumulative 10 minutes of these exercises during rest will torch an extra 85 calories. 

Add Protein
Increase your protein intake to rev your metabolism. "The body has to work harder to process it because it contains nitrogen, which is metabolically expensive," Dr. Deitrick says. But eating too much protein can make you tired because your body is using its energy to digest. General RDA dietary requirements include 0.4 grams of protein for every pound of body weight. For a 140-pound woman, that's 56 g. Dr. Deitrick suggests temporarily adding an extra 30 g of protein to your diet, which will make your body work harder and burn more calories. You could add a half-cup of cottage cheese (15 g) and 8 ounces of low-fat yogurt (11 g), or 8 ounces of skim milk (8 g) and 3 ounces of tuna (22 g).

Sleep Well
Get at least 6 hours of sleep each night. "Your body releases growth hormones after 6 hours of sleep, which is when your muscles actually get toned," Holland says. "If you get enough rest to release those muscle-toning hormones, you'll be able to push harder the next day." It's also important to add a slow day — possibly midweek — to give your muscles a break and a chance to grow even more. Go for a long walk or an easy jog instead of your usual tough routine.

Week Three 

Kick in the Afterburners
Now's the time to burn as many calories as you can in your workout. Swap out another strength session and replace it with heavy-duty cardio, which will raise your heart rate. At this point, your time is best spent doing cardio since you've already built some muscle during weeks 1 and 2. 

Try Not to Talk
If you can hold a conversation for 20 minutes while jogging, you're fine. But to speed up your metabolism, Dr. Deitrick advises going beyond your comfort zone, to the point where you can't talk. Use this as a way to raise interval intensity levels, too. Go hard enough so that you can't talk for 2 minutes, and slow down so that you can chat for 2 minutes. To burn the most fat and calories, go as hard as you can for as long as you can.

Add Resistance 
Amplify your intervals by adding resistance to make them harder. Holland suggests hill repeats — sprint up a hill and walk back down. Do five reps after a 5- to 10-minute warmup. You can also increase the incline on your treadmill or crank the knob on your spinning bike. 

Extend Your Intervals
Do tempo runs, which are essentially long intervals, to maximize your calorie burn both during and after your workout. (The increased intensity keeps your metabolism higher for a longer post-exercise period.) Holland suggests running hard for 5 minutes and then jogging for 5 minutes. If you can, push yourself to go harder than your typical pace for 15 minutes. Incentive: If you run for 15 minutes at 7 mph (try this on a treadmill to note your speed), you'll burn about 180 calories versus the 110 you'd burn if you were jogging for the same time (based on a 140-pound woman). Jog for 10 minutes to warm up before your tempo run, and then for 10 minutes postrun to cool down. 

Control Out-of-Control Hunger
When you're exercising harder, you'll feel hungrier postworkout. Dr. McDermott suggests drinking a protein and fruit smoothie after your workouts. Store peeled bananas in the freezer (in Ziploc baggies) and buy flash-frozen berries. Once you get home, blend a banana, some berries, 8 ounces of plain low-fat yogurt, and a cup of low-fat milk to make an instant frozen smoothie — and instant gratification.

Keep Your Body Wondering
"Play with your work-to-rest ratios when doing intervals to keep your body guessing," says Gunnar Peterson, a celebrity trainer in Los Angeles. When your body can't adapt to your plan, it's forced to work harder, so you're always working in your fat-burning capacity. Peterson suggests "undulating" your intervals: For example, run or pedal hard for 2 minutes, and then rest for 30 seconds. Go hard again for 2 minutes, and then rest for 1 minute. Extend your rest periods by 30 seconds until you reach 2 minutes, and then work your way back to 30-second rest periods, clipping 30 seconds at a time.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Thursday, September 25, 2014

10 Tips for Procrastination Help

I recently read about a survey by the University of Chicago which suggested that those who face challenges are more likely to live up to 10 years longer than those who spend their lives inhibited by timidity.
Trying to realize our ambitions, even if we do not always meet them, is preferable to not having the courage or motivation to take a risk. So, for example, not making any resolutions because we fear we will break them is having a defeatist attitude. Same goes for procrastination! Procrastination is a major hold-back in many people’s lives. As we allow procrastination to become an insidious habit it stops us from leading our most fulfilling existence.

Here are 10 EASY Tips for Procrastination Help!

Procrastination Help Tip #1 – Personal Values Development to Help Procrastination
Take time to figure out what you really want in life and what your personal values are. Do you want more time, more money, better health, greater self esteem and confidence, more fulfilling relationships, a different career, set up a business? What is important to you? Only you can answer this question. When we procrastinate it’s often because what we are planning to do is not really aligned with what we truly want. We may be scared of our skills (or perceived lack of) or fear ridicule from others. You can help yourself end procrastination by finding the answers to this question!
Procrastination Help Tip #2 – Making Health A Priority Helps To End Procrastination
Without good health we are less likely to have the energy and dynamism needed to get stuff done in our lives and it’s easier (and necessary if you’re very ill) to procrastinate. So ensure that you have a nourishing diet, sleep well, exercise and meditate. Incidentally, it is thought that regular meditation helps delay the worst effects of the ageing process, so that’s a super one for overall health and wellbeing! Likewise, a healthy body usually means a healthier mind so tasks will seem clearer and simpler.
Procrastination Help Tip #3 – Visualize Your Life Without Procrastination
See and feel what benefits would exist in your life if you did not procrastinate. What could you do and achieve? Begin to act as if you’re not a procrastinator. Write down, draw and visualize your life with getting things accomplished. You can use Positive Affirmations to help you.
Procrastination Help Tip #4 – Banish the Gremlin
That little voice which runs on auto in your head – that dismisses any idea that you might have. It says things like “I’m not in the mood,” “I don’t have time,” “I can’t do this.” Stop running on auto, replace the “should’s,” “oughts,” “have tos,” with “want tos,” “desires” with ACTION! You have a choice. Acknowledge your choices and banish the Gremlin. Again, using affirmations can help you replace the Gremlin with more positive alternatives.
Procrastination Help Tip #5 – Overcommitment Creates Avoidance And Procrastination. End Overcommitment.
Saying “yes” to everything often leaves you feeling tired and without the energy to focus on what is most important to you. This leads to procrastination as projects and tasks are dropped. Identify what is most important to you and only focus on those areas which will make the biggest difference to your life. See how your focus and motivation is enhanced.
Procrastination Help Tip #6 – Setting Personal And Professional Goals Leaves Procrastination Behind
It’s hard to motivate yourself when you do not have a good idea of what you want to accomplish. So when setting goals think about what you want to achieve in the short term and long term. Techniques for doing so include the SMART strategy:
  • S = specific
  • M = measurable
  • A= Action
  • R = Realistic
  • T = Time based
You can use goal setting software to help you in goal planning and setting.
Procrastination Help Tip #7 – Prioritize Your Goals To Avoid Procrastinating
Develop a plan or schedule to help you reach your goals. In doing so you will begin to identify whether some elements need to be included or enhanced or dropped completely. Also remember to be flexible, revisit your goals regularly and modify or drop if appropriate. Just because a goal is written down doesn’t mean that it is set in stone!
Procrastination Help Tip #8 – Divide And Conquer For Awesome Procrastination Help
Once you’ve prioritized your goals, divide them into smaller chunks. Sometimes we procrastinate because a project seems really large that the scale of it overwhelms us and puts us into a temporary form of paralysis – you don’t know where to start, so you don’t start at all! Approach each project – especially large ones – on a step by step basis.
Procrastination Help Tip #9 – Reward Yourself For Getting It Done (aka Not Procrastinating)
Once you start to complete tasks, reward yourself by giving yourself something that you want. So instead of seeing a film before you complete a task, see it afterwards and make it a reward for you.
Procrastination Help Tip #10 – Just Get Started. No Excuses.
Do not wait until you’re “in the mood.” The mood may never come! It is a clever camouflage and a delaying tactic. “What you resist persists!” Start with what is easiest, so that you experience immediate success, which will also give you the fuel and motivation to upgrade and take on larger projects.