An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening at church
service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing
her home of its valuables, she yelled, "STOP! ACTS 2:38!" (Repent and
be baptized, in the name of the lord, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman
calmly called the police and explained what she had done.As the officer cuffed
the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand
there? All the old lady did was yell scripture at you."
"SCRIPTURE?!" replied the burglar,
"She said she had an AXE and TWO 38's!
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken
to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last
operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her
way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of
God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why
didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?"
God replied, "My
child, I am sorry, I didn't even recognize you!
