I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the Concept of getting into heaven. I asked them,
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my Money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile. "Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven ?"
Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued," Then how can I get into Heaven ?"
A six year old boy shouted
"Yuv goat tae be bleedin' deid ! "
Some Funnies from Joke of the Day ...
FIRST TIME USHERS:
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
PRAYERS:
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No, sir," he rplied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to vist," the little boy answered.
THE MOOD RING:
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
THE WATER PISTOL:
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his Grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
a sick child and his Mother ...
A child came crying to his mother and complained that he has severe stomach-ache. She told him, “It is because your belly is empty. Come and have some
food.” The child obeyed.
The next day the mother had a heavy head ache.The child consoled her, saying innocently, “Mommy, it is because your head is empty!”
On another occasion, the curious child asked his mother, “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?” She tried to use this occasion to reform him. “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!” The child replied innocently, “Now I know why your mother has only grey hairs on her head.”
Message to Self.. REMEMBER Rudyard Kipling's words.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling
