A little old lady went to buy cat food.

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper." 

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A book a day......

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Fashion vs Style

ATITUDE É TUDO!

Uma mulher acordou uma manhã após a quimioterapia, olhou no espelho e percebeu que tinha somente três fios de cabelo na cabeça.
- Bom (ela disse), acho que vou trançar meus cabelos hoje.
Assim ela fez e teve um dia maravilhoso.
No dia seguinte ela acordou, olhou no espelho e viu que tinha somente dois fios de cabelo na cabeça...
- Hummm (ela disse), acho que vou repartir meu cabelo no meio hoje.
Assim ela fez e teve um dia magnífico.
No dia seguinte ela acordou, olhou no espelho e percebeu que tinha apenas um fio de cabelo na cabeça.
- Bem (ela disse), hoje vou amarrar meu cabelo como um rabo de cavalo.
Assim ela fez e teve um dia divertido.
No dia seguinte ela acordou, olhou no espelho e percebeu que não havia um único fio de cabelo na cabeça.
- Yeeesss... (ela exclamou), hoje não tenho que pentear meu cabelo.
ATITUDE É TUDO!
Seja mais humano e agradável com as pessoas.
Cada uma das pessoas com quem você convive está travando algum tipo de batalha.
Viva com simplicidade.
Ame generosamente.
Cuide-se intensamente.
Fale com gentileza.
E, principalmente, não reclame!!!
Se preocupe em agradecer pelo que você é, e por tudo o que tem!
E deixe o restante com Deus. ..
As vezes reclamamos tanto, quando na verdade deveríamos agradecer!
O que é de fato significativo?
O filho que muitas vezes não limpa o quarto e fica vendo televisão, significa que...
está em casa!
A desordem que tenho que limpar depois de uma festa,
significa que...
estivemos rodeados de familiares e amigos!
As roupas que estão apertadas,
significa que...
tenho mais do que o suficiente para comer!
O trabalho que tenho em limpar a casa,
significa que...
tenho uma casa!
As queixas que escuto acerca do governo,
significa que...
tenho liberdade de expressão!
Não encontro estacionamento,
significa que...
tenho carro!
Os gritos das crianças,
significa que....
posso ouvir!
O cansaço no final do dia,
significa que...
tenho saúde e posso trabalhar!
O despertador que me acorda todas as manhãs,
significa que...
estou vivo!
Finalmente pela quantidade de mensagens que recebo,
significa que...
tenho amigos pensando em mim!
Mude o seu jeito de ver as coisas e seja mais Feliz !!!
Agradeça pelo que você tem.
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Taking A Nap With Loving Female Cheetah - Cat Cuddles & falls Asleep In ...

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which was sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
______________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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Best 60s Dancer Boy Ever - The Nitty Gritty