Love this Japanese Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on
exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live
longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live
longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that
mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that
way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable
be bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good
food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and
health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.
ISN'T IT AMAZING THAT GEORGE CARLIN - COMEDIAN OF THE 70'S AND 80'S - COULD WRITE SOMETHING SO VERY ELOQUENT...AND SO VERY APPROPRIATE...
THE PARADOX OF OUR TIME IN HISTORY IS THAT WE HAVE TALLER BUILDINGS BUT SHORTER TEMPERS, WIDER FREEWAYS, BUT NARROWER VIEWPOINTS. WE SPEND MORE, BUT HAVE LESS, WE BUY MORE, BUT ENJOY LESS. WE HAVE BIGGER HOUSES AND SMALLER FAMILIES, MORE CONVENIENCES, BUT LESS TIME. WE HAVE MORE DEGREES, BUT LESS SENSE, MORE KNOWLEDGE, BUT LESS JUDGMENT, MORE EXPERTS, YET MORE PROBLEMS, MORE MEDICINE, BUT LESS WELLNESS.
WE DRINK TOO MUCH, SMOKE TOO MUCH, SPEND TOO RECKLESSLY, LAUGH TOO LITTLE, DRIVE TOO FAST, GET TOO ANGRY, STAY UP TOO LATE, GET UP TOO TIRED, READ TOO LITTLE, WATCH TV TOO MUCH, AND PRAY TOO SELDOM.
WE HAVE MULTIPLIED OUR POSSESSIONS, BUT REDUCED OUR VALUES. WE TALK TOO MUCH, LOVE TOO SELDOM, AND HATE TOO OFTEN.
WE'VE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE A LIVING, BUT NOT A LIFE. WE'VE ADDED YEARS TO LIFE NOT LIFE TO YEARS. WE'VE BEEN ALL THE WAY TO THE MOON AND BACK, BUT HAVE TROUBLE CROSSING THE STREET TO MEET A NEW NEIGHBOUR. WE CONQUERED OUTER SPACE BUT NOT INNER SPACE. WE'VE DONE LARGER THINGS, BUT NOT BETTER THINGS.
WE'VE CLEANED UP THE AIR, BUT POLLUTED THE
SOUL. WE'VE CONQUERED THE ATOM, BUT NOT OUR PREJUDICE. WE
WRITE MORE, BUT LEARN LESS. WE PLAN MORE, BUT ACCOMPLISH LESS. WE'VE LEARNED TO
RUSH, BUT NOT TO WAIT. WE BUILD MORE COMPUTERS TO HOLD MORE INFORMATION, TO
PRODUCE MORE COPIES THAN EVER, BUT WE COMMUNICATE LESS AND LESS.
THESE ARE THE TIMES OF FAST FOODS AND SLOW DIGESTION, BIG MEN AND SMALL CHARACTER, STEEP PROFITS AND SHALLOW RELATIONSHIPS. THESE ARE THE DAYS OF TWO INCOMES, BUT MORE DIVORCE, FANCIER HOUSES, BUT BROKEN HOMES. THESE ARE DAYS OF QUICK TRIPS, DISPOSABLE DIAPERS, THROWAWAY MORALITY, ONE NIGHT STANDS, OVERWEIGHT BODIES, AND PILLS THAT DO EVERYTHING FROM CHEER, TO QUIET, TO KILL. IT IS A TIME WHEN THERE IS MUCH IN THE SHOWROOM WINDOW AND NOTHING IN THE STOCKROOM. A TIME WHEN TECHNOLOGY CAN BRING THIS LETTER TO YOU, AND A TIME WHEN YOU CAN CHOOSE EITHER TO SHARE THIS INSIGHT, OR TO JUST HIT DELETE...
REMEMBER; SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOUR LOVED ONES, BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT
GOING TO BE AROUND FOREVER.
REMEMBER, SAY A KIND WORD TO SOMEONE WHO LOOKS UP TO YOU IN AWE, BECAUSE
THAT LITTLE PERSON SOON WILL GROW UP AND LEAVE YOUR SIDE...
REMEMBER, TO GIVE A WARM HUG TO THE ONE NEXT TO YOU, BECAUSE THAT IS THE
ONLY TREASURE YOU CAN GIVE WITH YOUR HEART AND IT DOESN'T COST A CENT...
REMEMBER TO HOLD HANDS AND CHERISH THE MOMENT, FOR SOMEDAY THAT PERSON WILL NOT BE THERE AGAIN.
GIVE TIME TO LOVE, GIVE TIME TO SPEAK! AND GIVE TIME TO SHARE THE PRECIOUS THOUGHTS IN YOUR MIND.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE
NUMBER OF BREATHS WE TAKE, BUT BY THE MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of
latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst
out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old women! Their minds are always working!
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card
in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who
owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The
biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to
handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in
it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in
the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's
drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him
you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag,
and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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